To help shape a column in response to the ‘lonely cat lady’ meme, J.D. Vance instigated with his remarks about Democrats, and Kamala Harris in particular, describe what it is like to be you in a culture that emphasizes a two-parent, heterosexual marriage with 2.4 biological children as the ideal? What do others not understand?
What would you tell 21-year-old you about the future?
What doors have been opened or closed based on who you are?
What would you like others to know about what it is like to be you?
Dear 21- year-old self. Prepare for your future by completing your education. Find a job that will challenge you and provide earnings for you to support yourself. A light bill comes every month. Pay your bills on time to establish a credit rating so you can get a credit card and loans! Be wise in your selection of new friends; the old ones can be golden. People come and go in life for a reason. Work at communication with people you want in your life. Communication is a two-way dynamic. Carry forth with grace, grit and gratitude. Be well.
You are most welcome, dear friend! Thank you for continuing to "be there" for us in the ways you do best. I was SO PRIVILEGED to have so many superb women like you in my life to help form me -- and rebuke me when I strayed from the path! I assure you; you have made a great impact in my life! Blessings and love to you!
I guess my opinions were formed beginning in Junior High School when I was forced to babysit for a neighbor. That was the worst thing I'd ever been through. Then in High School my biology teacher advocated for zero population growth and I agreed with him. I have other priorities besides raisining kids and I wouldn't be good at it. Instead, I choose to make other differences in the world and I'm free to do that in whatever way I like. I don't have to worry about discussing it with a partner, or working on their time schedule.
Some doors are part way closed to me, though. I have trouble finding a ride when I have a medical procedure done, or in an emergency. I can't rely on someone else to help with things around the house. It is all my responsibility.
The main thing I'd tell my 21-year-old self is that it's okay to be yourself. And it's okay to be different. Everyone is different.
1) By quirks of fate I never had children of my own. (I am a grandfather now, however, because my wife had children by her first marriage.) There are a couple of subpoints to this fact: First, not all people are "cut out" to be parents, and I think the "shaming" of such people by the likes of Vance, for instance, is insensitive and stupid. What we need are GOOD parents. Blessed be those who recognize that maybe they weren't just cut out for that role. In my case it was a byproduct of my involvement in public life, but for others it is a conscious choice that deserves recognition and support!
2) This point has to do with gay people, whom I struggled to sympathize with into my 30s. The turning point? One evening in my first term as a member of the Iowa House two really beautiful young women wandered into the House chamber where several of us first-termer were working overtime to get a handle on our jobs (those were the days before ANY security measures were in place -- sounds like a century ago, doesn't it?). For some reason they came to my desk and asked if they could speak to me. I was in my early 30s and not about to say "no" to pretty women, so I assented. Well, turns out they were lesbians and they were there to plead for my toleration and compassion for persons like themselves. We engaged in a pleasant mutual exchange for some time and I promised them -- very sincerely -- that I would do what I could. After they left I sat at my desk for some time just shaking my head at how ignorant and judgmental I had been before I met them! I thought of myself as a pretty nice guy trying to do the "right thing," and yet these two women had opened up a door to how much I did not know or understand! I've never forgotten that evening, those young women, or the lesson. My point: we always have more to learn! The most surprising people can teach us the most amazing things! We must constantly guard against what "we know" or "believe" from blinding us to all that we do not know or understand.
For 21-year-old people: Trust your gut! Don't give a fig about what people who don't know, respect, or care for you say about you or think about you!!! Look for others who have something to teach you and then "sit at their feet"; a corollary: be on the outlook for those who wish to sit at YOUR feet, too! Have confidence in yourself but always -- daily, if possible -- review how you are doing in becoming the person you want to be!
As a single female engineer (usually with 1 - 3 cats but with 2 dogs for a while) I was able to move to new positions, challenges, areas of focus and locales all across the country in search of ever more interesting jobs, customers , and technology. The lifestyle afforded me more satisfaction and financial security than I would have had as a married person or a mom. I have lots of nieces and nephews to carry on the family bloodline, but I’ve had a more fun career than they can even imagine!
(Married, but childless by choice)- What I wish others knew: The instinct to ponder generativity as we age is also very alive in the childless as they get older. As a childless couple in our 50s and 60s we are quite invested in helping those who come after us. We have time and money to invest in the well-being of others, and this brings us tremendous joy. We are quite aware that it is not all about us as two individuals.
You will need to be twice as good to get the job or whatever you are going after. But the benefit is you are freer to maximize potential once you get there.
Dear 21- year-old self. Prepare for your future by completing your education. Find a job that will challenge you and provide earnings for you to support yourself. A light bill comes every month. Pay your bills on time to establish a credit rating so you can get a credit card and loans! Be wise in your selection of new friends; the old ones can be golden. People come and go in life for a reason. Work at communication with people you want in your life. Communication is a two-way dynamic. Carry forth with grace, grit and gratitude. Be well.
How about single non cat men? :-) That's me! No vote? That would be a bummer.
You are most welcome, dear friend! Thank you for continuing to "be there" for us in the ways you do best. I was SO PRIVILEGED to have so many superb women like you in my life to help form me -- and rebuke me when I strayed from the path! I assure you; you have made a great impact in my life! Blessings and love to you!
I guess my opinions were formed beginning in Junior High School when I was forced to babysit for a neighbor. That was the worst thing I'd ever been through. Then in High School my biology teacher advocated for zero population growth and I agreed with him. I have other priorities besides raisining kids and I wouldn't be good at it. Instead, I choose to make other differences in the world and I'm free to do that in whatever way I like. I don't have to worry about discussing it with a partner, or working on their time schedule.
Some doors are part way closed to me, though. I have trouble finding a ride when I have a medical procedure done, or in an emergency. I can't rely on someone else to help with things around the house. It is all my responsibility.
The main thing I'd tell my 21-year-old self is that it's okay to be yourself. And it's okay to be different. Everyone is different.
I'm not lonely, by the way.
Hi, Julie!
1) By quirks of fate I never had children of my own. (I am a grandfather now, however, because my wife had children by her first marriage.) There are a couple of subpoints to this fact: First, not all people are "cut out" to be parents, and I think the "shaming" of such people by the likes of Vance, for instance, is insensitive and stupid. What we need are GOOD parents. Blessed be those who recognize that maybe they weren't just cut out for that role. In my case it was a byproduct of my involvement in public life, but for others it is a conscious choice that deserves recognition and support!
2) This point has to do with gay people, whom I struggled to sympathize with into my 30s. The turning point? One evening in my first term as a member of the Iowa House two really beautiful young women wandered into the House chamber where several of us first-termer were working overtime to get a handle on our jobs (those were the days before ANY security measures were in place -- sounds like a century ago, doesn't it?). For some reason they came to my desk and asked if they could speak to me. I was in my early 30s and not about to say "no" to pretty women, so I assented. Well, turns out they were lesbians and they were there to plead for my toleration and compassion for persons like themselves. We engaged in a pleasant mutual exchange for some time and I promised them -- very sincerely -- that I would do what I could. After they left I sat at my desk for some time just shaking my head at how ignorant and judgmental I had been before I met them! I thought of myself as a pretty nice guy trying to do the "right thing," and yet these two women had opened up a door to how much I did not know or understand! I've never forgotten that evening, those young women, or the lesson. My point: we always have more to learn! The most surprising people can teach us the most amazing things! We must constantly guard against what "we know" or "believe" from blinding us to all that we do not know or understand.
For 21-year-old people: Trust your gut! Don't give a fig about what people who don't know, respect, or care for you say about you or think about you!!! Look for others who have something to teach you and then "sit at their feet"; a corollary: be on the outlook for those who wish to sit at YOUR feet, too! Have confidence in yourself but always -- daily, if possible -- review how you are doing in becoming the person you want to be!
Peace, Julie!
Greg
Beautiful, Greg! Thank you.
As a single female engineer (usually with 1 - 3 cats but with 2 dogs for a while) I was able to move to new positions, challenges, areas of focus and locales all across the country in search of ever more interesting jobs, customers , and technology. The lifestyle afforded me more satisfaction and financial security than I would have had as a married person or a mom. I have lots of nieces and nephews to carry on the family bloodline, but I’ve had a more fun career than they can even imagine!
(Married, but childless by choice)- What I wish others knew: The instinct to ponder generativity as we age is also very alive in the childless as they get older. As a childless couple in our 50s and 60s we are quite invested in helping those who come after us. We have time and money to invest in the well-being of others, and this brings us tremendous joy. We are quite aware that it is not all about us as two individuals.
You will need to be twice as good to get the job or whatever you are going after. But the benefit is you are freer to maximize potential once you get there.
I'd like to hear more, too, Cheryl.
Thanks, Cheryl. I'd love to hear more, too.