The gift in having a career where you interview others is that people tell you stuff you didn't know.
Most of us hang out in our bubbles of personal experience. Some rarely leave the zip code in which they were born. They/we work with, play with, go to school with, and marry people who have more in common than not with them/us. Or so we think.
As a talk radio host then newspaper columnist in the 1980s, the people of Iowa have often guided me in forming opinions.
For example, my pro-choice beliefs about abortion were confirmed after meeting a woman who had become pregnant by her brother-in-law during a weekend pass from a hospital psychiatric unit. Abortion was illegal in Iowa before 1973. She sought help from Planned Parenthood to go out of state for the procedure. The executive director had invited me to sit in on abortion counseling sessions, and hers was one of three powerful conversations. (I did so with their permission and respecting their confidentiality).
As for yesterday’s passage of an anti-transgender bill in the Iowa House, my hunch is there are two reasons why GOP members pushed and passed the legislation. One, humans tend to fear the unknown.
However, the more likely explanation is that today's extremists have had success in fanning the flame of intolerance and fear as a political sleight-of-hand trick. It's much easier to get folks riled up about things they don't understand or haven’t experienced. Complicated, nuanced, policy issues do not make for talk show fodder.
I get it. On a slow spring day when the call-in lines were all open, I once asked WHO radio listeners:
"If you could be an animal, which animal would you be?"
And, the lines lit up.
In the 1980s, I was a daily columnist for The Des Moines Register. I got a call from a couple who lived on a farm near Mason City. They asked if we could get together for lunch, and we did, meeting in a favorite spot across the street; Younkers Tea Room. Oh, how I miss the department store's splendid, classic room, with heavy drapes, ironed white cloth napkins, and water glasses filled by the attentive wait staff.
As we sat down, they kept looking at each other for reassurance.
They shared that their child was transgender, and they wanted people to know what it was like for their family. Like 99.9 % of the population of Iowa in 1984, I had no idea what that meant. The couple answered all of my uninformed questions. They wanted me to write about their experience to help others, especially parents, who might not understand their children.
I was honored by their trust.
Many more took me into their confidence on other occasions.
As a columnist, I held a couple of retreats for women at Camp Hantessa and the YMCA Camp in Boone. Participants came from all over the state. We slept in bunk beds designed for kids. And laughed, talked, and cried. They taught me a lot. Especially how lonely it can be to live in a small town while feeling shamed by secrets.
I took a walk with a woman who lived in a rural area where the closest town had a population size under 1500. She'd come to the retreat by herself and had been nervous when she arrived. But after the first day, she told her truths in a small group setting for the first time. I wasn't a part of the group, but I could sense a visible shift in her demeanor. The woman who showed up as shy and timid was standing taller and smiling before the retreat ended.
On our walk, we paused on a footbridge over a creek. She looked into the woods and whispered:
"This is the best day of my life."
What politicians don't understand about their constituents is immeasurable.
Some kids to this day grow up mocking gays, people with disabilities, or differing ethnicities. Those with invisible differences who are exposed to this blather often withdraw into themselves. It's not unusual for some to become vocally homophobic in hopes of proving they are not gay.
The saying goes, show me a homophobe, and I'll show you someone struggling with their sexuality.
A psychologist friend told me, given time in therapy, at some point a client's actions make sense. When truths are shared, understanding and acceptance can occur.
Too many politicians are using culture wars to score points that will impact the mental health of those they are attacking. Check the cases of drug abuse, eating disorders, and teen suicide rates. There is a correlation.
Another truism: Seek first to understand, then be understood. This mantra we Vistage chairs used in our coaching of business leaders. It makes a difference and can be quantified in the bottom line. Really.
Now that I’m in semi-retirement, my current obsession is urging others to tell their stories. Either through essays, fiction, poetry, or non-fiction writing. Personal essays or memoirs, in particular, can lead to greater understanding.
One of the scariest public stands I took was in 1982 as a WHO talk show host. There was a measure before the Des Moines Plan and Zoning Commission to allow a church organization to turn a residential home into transitional housing for the mentally ill. It was assumed the measure would be defeated because famous restauranteur Babe Bisignano lived across the street from the house and he was going to testify against it, which he did.
Mental health issues in the 1980s carried a stigma, even more so than today.
I’d had a nervous breakdown ten years before, so I asked the station program director, family, and friends if I should reveal this about myself at the Plan and Zoning Commission and talk about it on the air. They all said: no. Everyone I asked, including a therapist, cautioned against revealing this: it could cause damage professionally.
Well, I did anyway. I knew many on the commission, but they didn’t know this about me. . After testifying (the measure passed), Babe thanked me for speaking. I talked about my personal experience on the show the next day. Slowly, call-in lines lit up with Iowans sharing their personal experience with mental illness. Off the air, I heard from many more, who were appreciative to have listened to the conversation. The revelation wasn’t heroic but more illustrative of how change can happen when understanding occurs.
Today, I know at least three families who have transgender children or grandchildren. I’ve been a part of conversations where one father came to understand the twin who was born a boy but by the age of 2 identified as a girl. This wasn’t something he’d envisioned when contemplating parenthood and is so grateful this child was a part of his family, and in this period of time, where they as a family could seek understanding and acceptance, not shame.
You’ve likely passed a farmhouse, mansion, place of worship, or school and not realized that within those walls, there is someone who can teach you about what it is like to be them.
CHECK OUT THE LINKS BELOW:
Telling Secrets: Ted Talk by Brene Brown:
DSM Register story on Iowa House Bill
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Just added: Literary agent Andy Ross. https://okobojiwritersretreat.com/andy-ross/
I worked at Des Moines Lutheran Hospital Mental Health ward back in the 80s. I can remember when this was discussed in the city council. Thank you for testifying. I worked with the Warren County Metal Health Advocate and placed a young man in a half way house in Des Moines. He made success and went on to live a good life. The place had mice and I got him mice killer and gave him a good suitcase to keep his clothes in. I got him in a volcational rehabiltation program. Keep writing Julie and keep spreading the word. I heard of a young woman who was born with both male and female body parts and how she was raised as a girl but acted like a boy having cattle at the O'Brien County fair, etc. The new law is a disgrace. We are in a pandemic where Iowa has too many unvaccinated people and they get concerned about things like this. Go help at a hospital and help the dying covid patients.
Thank you, Julie. There are so many people in our communities who need to read these words. Some of those who read it will not like it because they don't or, more likely, won't understand because that is the choice they have made. But, for so many others there is so much hope and comfort in your words. My hope is that the families who need this comfort will find your words. Well done.