Memo from a loser

and other stories

• Renowned author Judy Blume almost quit midway through her very successful writing career.

Author Judy Blume

I watched her MasterClass the other day, and she shared this bit of news. Why did she come so close to quitting? A reviewer criticized one of her books.

Pretty much every talk I've heard or book I've read by successful people addresses the inner demons that can hold them back.

Natalie Goldberg , writing coach and author of several books on writing, calls this 'monkey mind.'

The lingo in Education for Living Seminars, a personal development program, describes such inner voices that judge and compare ourselves to others as 'The Committee.' We carry these voices around, whining about what a loser-idiot-failure we are.

Or we have the 'imposter syndrome' - when are people going to find out I don't know what I'm doing?

Millions of writers, artists, coaches, and students of life are better than I am. I surround myself with those I respect in hopes their skills will rub off. I am disgusted by all the time I wasted in life listening to The Committee.

As a Vistage business chair in Annapolis and Chicago, I heard dozens of expert speakers on various topics. The group members give each presentation a score.

The night before a meeting, I had dinner with the speaker booked to address my group the following day. He was depressed. Even though he had been named Speaker-of-the-Year, given over 1,000 presentations, and commanded hefty fees for keynote addresses, he was demoralized.

Why? One of my chair colleagues had given him low scores.

I picked up the salt shaker on the table and held it up.

"Do you see that one speck of pepper?" I asked. "The salt here represents your entire career. That speck of pepper is one bad score. Look where your focus is."

He laughed then and told me years later he uses that analogy in his talks today.

I have a lot of pepper specks in the salt of my life. And it is still so easy for that to be my focus.

Sometimes critics aren't just imaginary. That doesn't mean we should turn over our power to them.

In one of my business group meetings, each member was asked to make a list of the strengths of their member colleagues as well as what they thought he/she could work on for improvement.

When it came time to discuss their lists, the members talked about what they saw as negative feedback.

And feedback sometimes comes from another in a bad mood.

Judy Blume was so close to quitting. Years later, she said, she happened to meet the person who almost caused her to stop writing. The reviewer apologized to Blume, saying she was having a bad day when she wrote the critique.

We human beings give away so much of our power to the judgment, real or perceived, of others. Here's a secret. Those who judge often do so out of their sense of insecurity, their inner critic.

In my Vistage business coach training, we learn to ask our members what's working and what can be better. It's more impactful than asking what's 'right' or 'wrong' in their business or personal life.

This slight distinction can shift us from being defensive and close-minded to being open to learning. We aren't going to change if we feel wrong. We are more likely to shut down and dig in.

What's working? What can be better?

Direct, honest feedback delivered from a respected (keyword) observer can help us improve.

Embracing legitimate and constructive criticism can make us better. Surrounding ourselves with those we respect can be forwarding.

If you're listening only to imaginary voices calling you a stupid failure, well, kick their keister goodbye. Unless you are the captain of the ship aground in the Suez Canal, you probably aren’t a stupid failure.

What's working? Make a list. What can be better? Make a list.

It's one thing to be 'wrong and stupid' and quite another to be green and growing.

Stephen King, in his memoir 'On Writing,' wrote: "To write is human, to edit is divine.”

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Here’s a link to the Okoboji Writers’ Retreat